Money, Money

When it comes to money, my parents philosophies are on opposite ends of the financial spectrum. My father was a young teenager in Holland when Germany began its occupation during WWII. There were ten children in the family and extreme measures were required to keep the family alive. In 1945, the last year of the war, they were living on one loaf of bread, per person, per week. People weren't just starving in the concentration camps (- thank you American Red Cross for saving so many). He immigrated to the U.S. in the late 1950's where he was sponsored by his brother and a Dairy farmer (working as basically an indentured servant) for a year. Then he took a factory job where he had an accident and lost two fingers on his right hand. He had formal training in the flower hot-houses in the Netherlands, so he decided to start his own landscaping business. He paid his taxes quarterly and bought business licenses in all the cities he worked in. Everything by-the-book. I'm skipping all the good stories for a later time, but he worked hard, saved and did some investing that helped his nest egg. He is a planner. He has a Family Trust, knows how he wants things handled and has made all the legal arrangements. He's talked to my siblings and I, and flat-out told us that if anything is contested, you are "cut out." He wants his body donated to science and then cremated. No fuzzy questions here. ~Dad, have I told you that I love you lately?

My mother hasn't been so disciplined. She came from a working class family that, until her and her sister's generation, had little education. I describe her as a free spirit. She's a cross between a  'flower child' and patriot. She made good money as an RN, but started her retirement fund late in life as being a single mother to 3 children, then supporting my sister and her two children, brought other priorities. When the economy went bad and my Grandmother came to live with her, she used her savings to maintain her lifestyle. When you are active, independent, living life how you want... able to support family, church and other charitable organizations, the last thing on your mind is catastrophic illness, long-term care, how the bills will get paid if you can't make sound financial decisions. --Right?  

When you are healthy is exactly when you should think of these things!

I'm not a professional in this area, but I do know as an executor, rescuer, caregiver, responsible party etc., how overwhelming it is to step into this role not knowing where the paperwork is, or who has had access to it. About 7 year's ago, my mom came to my house and announced that she wanted me to be a signer on her  bank account. I had reservations about this. Would I have to pay taxes on her balance? Would it hurt my credit if she became overdrawn? Would I be responsible for charges incurred? I was happy that my mom was preparing for her future and was hoping it would be enough. I didn't protest and naively signed my name on the dotted line. I say naively, because I didn't push her to do more. Understand that my mother wasn't irresponsible, but she was too trusting of people that took advantage - multiple times. Frankly, I completely forgot about being a signer until her illness. Boy, was I glad I was on the account when she couldn't manage anything for over 7 months! Two weeks before her emergency surgery she started a will, but had no witness' signature, so it really wasn't valid. Only the DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order was notarized. Every medical facility wanted a copy of that!

I cautiously state my opinion in this matter because I don't want to come across as insensitive, harsh, or that I'm throwing my mother under the bus. She is a fierce prayer warrior, loyal friend and the worlds best encourager.  I'm not giving professional advice but want to paint a picture of the anxiety of stepping into someones shoes without official instructions and not really knowing their wishes. It is not OK to be passive or procrastinate in the area of financial planning or authorization boundaries. So many things, of a legal and harmonious nature, are dependent on this (see conversation starters below). If you are an independent adult, you must make decisions and have crucial conversations with the adults in your immediate family (children should grow up hearing these conversations too). Many Senior Centers have volunteers that do this paperwork legally and for little to no-charge. I read an article the other day that said people in their 20's are starting retirement accounts where their parents didn't do much until their 30's. I guess our kids are smarter than we are at times! There are other low-cost options where you can get advice and legally binding forms. Google it.  Since I'm stepping out here, I also want to say that it is not OK to have your children as your intentional financial back-up plan. Even though my husband and I were willing to step-up for whatever was needed, I wasn't working, lived in another state, became my Grandmother's caregiver (meaning I could not work outside the home), was my mother's advocate and was driving 1-2 times a day to the hospital and skilled nursing center, renovated a house for handicap accessibility and basic move-in readiness. Then moved my mother's belongings and my Grandmother all in 3 months. While even the best laid plans would have been tested, not having the ability to pay moving, utility expenses, rent and my mother's insurance co-pays would have brought two house-holds down.

A wise man once said, "Hind sight is crystal clear." I look back on the past year and see our heavenly father's hand of protection and provision in every event and every step we took.  Faith in God brings perspective and hope. Everything was orchestrated down to the letter for my mother's recovery. That is a blessing that I'm going to claim. All I had was faith because I didn't have foresight. 

These are some things to get a conversation going:
Disclaimer: Some of these topics are from our personal story. Discussions are unique and personal. They should be held before a crisis occurs and should strengthen family ties rather than tear them apart. The important thing is to not hold back and have open and honest conversations.

• Forget death, you don't know the day nor the hour. It just doesn't work like that. If something happens where you are not able to make competent decisions, who do you want to be your financial or medical representative?
• Do they know where your written instructions are?
• Are the instructions complete or are there unaddressed items?
• Once you select a representative, (and they agree by-the-way) how will you transition the responsibility back once recovery has happened? This can be controversial. My mother didn't come to me and my husband saying she was ready to take back control. For some reason she had an acquaintance take her to the bank to get balances and statements. We had changed everything to online banking and she was upset that she didn't have any checks. We had set up email and text notifications whenever threshold activity was exceeded because of prior fraud activity, so it wasn't long before we knew she was moving money into her savings from checking. The bank statements didn't show itemization on why money was moved or withdrawn. When we provided her an itemized breakdown of everything that went in and out of her account, she said she was "devastated." Her focus is on getting a car so that she can be completely independent again. She didn't have a nest egg, so this goal is going to take considerably longer than she was expecting.
• I think most people would want to recover at home. But, what if your -condition requires more care than your loved ones can provide or that your insurance provides coverage for? 
• Most insurance coverage has a 90 days per year cap for skilled nursing rehabilitation. How will you plan for this?
• Are you aware that Home Health and Insurance providers will try to pass off some medical treatments to the family? Do you know your rights and have your really looked into your medical coverage?
• Most of this conversation has been directed toward Parent/Child relationships. Spouses are part of this equation and typically a package deal. Are they participating in these conversations? These situations are very stressful and relationships can be tested.
• Our story was complicated by the fact that my mother was my 101 year old Grandmother's caregiver. She had dementia, kidney disease, digestive sensitivities and advanced osteoporosis. I had no playbook to deal with her issues. Is there anything that you are exclusively doing that is critical for the safety, security and comfort of someone else?
• What about a pet? My mother's dog was untrained, spoiled and had the run of the neighborhood. He marked his territory wherever he fancied. But, was a constant companion for my Grandmother. She remembered his name, but had no clue who I was. We made obedience training a priority and learned to hold our tongue in front of my mother. 

Do you have any other topics that should be brought up in a family meeting? I've elaborated about my mother and Grandmother, but my husband and I need to have the same discussions with our kids. Considering they are in their early to mid-20's, it's going to be interesting.