When God Whispers

Today my mother and I picked up my Grandmother's ashes. We drove 140 miles round trip in a blustery cold wind with a dark sky. The deserts in California are usually quiet, sunny and warm, so why was the sand blowing across the freeway like a snow storm? We didn't talk much, except commenting on the Friday traffic while keeping a close eye on the semi-trucks bobbing with the wind gusts. The funeral director was kind, professional and asked if we had any questions. ~We didn't have any. She commented that people are generally surprised by the weight of human remains and that we should probably carry the urn from the bottom. --Good to know. This may seem a little unemotional, but I'm actually far from having no emotion. This experience has left me drained and seesawing between frustration and guilt. I've been beating myself up with the "If only I..." self talk. The fact that my Grandmother was 101, and had some serious medical issues that weren't going to get better, doesn't really matter. I feel like I let her down. I've always been the responsible one, the "fixer." This time, I just didn't have enough to overcome the exhaustion a 24/7 caregiver can experience- guilt. To be brutally honest, I wanted my unremarkable life back - guilt. I wanted control over my day - guilt. I wanted me time and date night with my husband - guilt. Then you have these lightening bolt moments. Someone says something casual in passing, and there it is... you hear the choir of angels again. I firmly believe that God gives us flicks to the forehead to say: Snap out of it! I need you to focus...

I found an on-point article by Jan Dravecky titled: False Guilt - Too Heavy a Burden. It describes the difference between true guilt and false guilt.

True guilt says, “I have done something wrong that I am responsible to make right.”
False guilt says, “I feel responsible for something that is not my responsibility or is out of my control.”

My husband shook me to the bone one day when he said, "It's not about you, it's about Grandma." I needed to hear that. It confirmed that I was where I needed to be and doing my best was all that was being asked of me, not perfection. We made collective decisions as a family, not decisions made in isolation, about getting my mother well and making sure my Grandmother was safe and comfortable. That meant custodial care when she required more than we (I) could provide at home. Custodial care was something I didn't understand until put into this situation. It made me realize that illness and aging is personal and specific. There is no one-size-fits-all and we should never, ever judge or ....yes, I'm going to say it, feel guilty if we are doing our best. There is no denying in-home vs. institutional caregiving is a tough decision. Custodial care does not mean you drop someone off and wash your hands of them. I was still my Grandmothers advocate and was visiting her almost every day. In some ways, this was more disruptive, but I knew her needs were being met and we had peace at home.

If you listen to God's whispers, you will hear the answers to your prayers. God will meet you where you are. I'm a very literal person and work best with very specific instruction and feedback.  Why don't family crisis' come with an instruction manual? 

One day when my mother finally felt confident enough to go shopping, our first stop was the local vitamin store. The manager recognized her (as she has spent a small fortune there over the years!) and when she heard my moms testimony was shocked.  Abruptly, she gave me a hug, and looked into my eyes and said: "God borrowed you for a short time and he will put you back in a better place when he doesn't need you any longer." This was such a light of encouragement and I believe not just a coincidence. Now I keep reminding myself that this situation is temporary. God doesn't do things half way.

My recommendation is that when you find yourself falling down the slippery slope of false guilt, resentment, frustration, anxiety...all things negative, be prayerful. Step outside, take a walk, breathe deeply and look upward. Like the clouds, your day will change. Storms are always temporary.